If I Only Had It On Video

So I was out in the yard early this morning (about 7-ish) playing with Ella. Out of nowhere she came speeding at me like a bull at a bullfight. I mean all 40 lbs of her barreling straight toward me at what seemed like 50 mph.

Before I could move she rammed full-speed into my right leg with the entire weight of her body. She bounced back like a tennis ball hitting the pavement and I went straight down -- all hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of pounds of me. Straight down, flat on the ground, sprawled out across the wet grass & dirt within half a second.

For a couple of seconds, I thought my leg might be broken. She hit me that HARD. It is still sore and hurting hours later.

What the hell?

Reba McEntire: For My Broken Heart

1991

1. For My Broken Heart
2. Is There Life Out There
3. Bobby
4. He's in Dallas
5. All Dressed Up (with Nowhere to Go)
6. The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia
7. Buying Her Roses
8. The Greatest Man I Never Knew
9. I Wouldn't Go That Far
10. If I Had Only Known

I often & completely by accident head in the opposite direction of everyone around me. True to form, I go off to college a huge lover of music, open to any edgy, obscure, undiscovered music I can find, but end up latching on to what many would call the most treacly, middle-of-the-road, old-lady (no offense to old ladies) music out there.

Yes, the first album to really impact me during college was Reba McEntire's For My Broken Heart. Why did it so grab me? How did this happen? Simple. Let me just say straight out (I know this is no surprise to anyone): I love sad songs. And For My Broken Heart is sad. Virtually every song. Some are really, really sad.

For those who don't know, Reba McEntire lost her entire touring band in an airplane crash about 8 months before For My Broken Heart was released. She had already been working on the album, of course, but that tragedy permeated the rest of the production; she replaced some songs, changed the title track from a duet to a solo, and just sang with a different feeling. And I remember seeing her perform on the CMA Awards that year, singing For My Broken Heart backed by Dolly Parton's touring band. It was beyond compelling & I just had to buy it.

Turns out, For My Broken Heart the song was just the tip of the iceberg. The album hit every possible sad note it could, from loneliness (All Dressed Up) and death (If I Had Only Known) to lost loves (He's in Dallas) and distant fathers (The Greatest Man I Never Knew). And oh yeah, let's not forget that ditty about assisted suicide (Bobby). Sounds like what every college freshmen would be rushing to listen to, right?

For me, the artistic expression of emotion is always best accomplished by music. For My Broken Heart is a tad more literal and overflowing in that respect than many of the other albums I love, but it is nonetheless beautiful and pure.

Escape From Dogatraz

So guess who dug out from under the fence and escaped today? Yes, that's right.

I had to leave work early and retrieve the cute little thing.

Dogs are so worth it though. They are cute and sweet and adorable and a blessing.

Get one.

Ella

The Story of a Girl (Part II)

Well, I guess I needed a little break to gather my thoughts. Lizzie has been gone now for about 2 1/2 weeks. Sometimes it seems like just yesterday; other times it seems like forever since I've seen her. It is still a really strange feeling to not have her around, but I have mostly quit expecting to see or hear her & have mostly quit instinctively doing those things that I did for her or because of her.

And I do have a new puppy now. It was an easy decision as the new girl, Ella, is not at all a replacement for Liz. There is no such thing. But I needed some life around this house other than me.

Anyway ... on with Lizzie's story.

I learned very quickly that not only was Lizzie energetic and adorable and mischievous, but she was SMART. If she saw a toy or scrap of food or anything you tried to hide from her, she would and could remember exactly where it was hours later and go there as soon as you left the room. So eventually I was forced to put everything "up" -- either on a counter, in the closet, on the dining table, on the entertainment center. Nothing could be kept anywhere near Lizzie's level or she would remember it and find it at the first opportunity. A couple of years into our life together, when I had started working a full-time job with regular hours, I began to notice that instead of whining when I left in the mornings, Lizzie seemed almost excited. I don't know exactly how I could tell, but she seemed to be waiting for me to head out for work.

So one morning I went through the routine, locked the door, and pretended to walk away. I waited just a few minutes and ever so softly eased the key back into the door, unlocked it, and stormed back in the house. And where was Lizzie? Standing, on all fours, directly in the center of my dining table. How she got up there I have no idea. How she got up there so quickly I have no idea. But it was obviously planned in advance. I mean, she knew the second I left she was going to get up on that table and see what was up there. But what was even more hilarious, when she saw me, she completely and utterly froze. It was literally as if she was holding her breath. She didn't blink an eye, twitch a nose, wag a tail, nothing. I guess she thought if she just stood completely still I wouldn't be able to see her. I can still picture her in my mind though. So funny.

I believe I only tried to take Liz to Town Lake once. She was a weirdo and scared of so many things. My primary memory of that trip is that Lizzie WOULD NOT walk over the pedestrian bridge. I guess she felt under her feet that it was different and it scared her to death. I would pull and push and beg and plead, but no way was she walking across. So, every time we came to the bridge, I had to pick her up and carry her all the way across.

I'll end with her funniest, grossest, and most infamous story (I apologize in advance for the indelicate nature of this tale -- do not read if you are eating or have a weak stomach).

I came home from work one afternoon and as I walked across the balcony toward my apartment, I smelled the most awful scent. I was thinking, "Damn, someone let their dog shit right at my front door." But I didn't see anything. So I opened my door and went in and almost fell to the ground because of the smell. A huge congealed puddle of dog crap was right in the middle of my den floor. It was about the size of a large cast-iron skillet.

Now tell me, when was the last time your dog crapped so bad that the smell actually penetrated the walls and door and made its way outside? I bet it has never happened. Well, it happened to me. And why did I describe the crap as congealed you ask? Because Lizzie dragged a jar of Vaseline off my bathroom counter and ate it. So what I had, in essence, was shit-flavored Vaseline all over my den floor. Can you imagine anything harder to clean up? I had to stuff my nostrils with toilet paper just to get close enough to the mess to start cleaning. And by the end of the week I had new carpet -- there was no other alternative.

Lizzie was freaking the hell out. She didn't have a clue what was happening. She was going to the bathroom non-stop, but it would drizzle out & make little popping bubble noises which scared her to death. Never have I seen a dog scare herself by going to the bathroom. She would hunker down to go, but then the bubbly noises would start and she would start yelping and take off like a bullet as if something was chasing her. She did this for days until the last of the Vaseline was finally out of her system.

Yes, it is disgusting, but it was certainly among the defining moments of Lizzie's life, and it is a story I will remember as long as I am on this earth.

You think dogs will not be in heaven? I tell you, they will be there long before any of us. ~Robert Louis Stevenson

The Story of a Girl (Part I)

Lizzie came into this world as a Minnie. Or at least that's what she was called when I first saw her. And no offense to all the Minnies out there, but that just wasn't right. Lizzie was a Lizzie. It just fit. (Yes, I had just read a biography of infamous axe murderer Lizzie Borden, so she was kind of named after her, but mainly, she just seemed like a Lizzie.)

Lizzie, Liz, Little Liz, Sweet Liz, Lizgirl, Lizmeister, Sweet Pickle ... she was all those names.

I owned Lizzie before I owned furniture (except a bed). When I brought her home, I had a bed for me and a new purple bed for her that I bought at Petco. No couches or chairs or tables or anything else. The second or third night I had her, I brought home Wendy's for supper. As soon as I started to eat, my friend Allison called. Having no table or chairs or anything, I put the bag down on the floor to go get the phone. In the 45 seconds it took me to come back into the den, my entire cheeseburger had been devoured and pieces of french fry hung out of Lizzie's mouth. I was both furious and charmed. For years after that, when I went to Wendy's (which was very close to my apartment), I bought an extra order of Biggie Fries for Lizzie. And most of the time, Lizzie went with me and completely finished her order before we ever even got home.

Now, that purple bed. The first couple of nights I put Lizzie in bed with me just because I was so excited to have her. After a week or so I guess, I started trying to put her in her own bed. Every night I would pull her nice wonderful purple bed right beside my bed and put her in it. She could see me and I could see her. I could reach my hand down and pet her. That just wasn't quite good enough though. Every time I put her in, she jumped right out and onto the bed with me. It was a battle until one morning I awoke to find Lizzie in bed with me and pieces of purple dog bed scattered throughout the entire apartment, from the kitchen to the bathroom to the bedroom. From that day forward, Liz slept wherever she wanted, mostly in bed with me in the early years and under the bed in later years.

Lizzie was about 6 months old when I got her & still in the puppy chewing stage. She chewed everything -- computer cords, pillows, towels, and yes, even the wooden legs of the dining room chairs I would eventually get. Two chew episodes stand out the most though. One time she chewed up a pair of leather shoes and swallowed whole the leather sole. I wear a size 13 by the way. How she got that sole down her throat is beyond me. But eventually, and not pleasantly, it came back up. The first year I had her, she also chewed the corners of every single wrapped Christmas present I had under the tree that year. So everyone got these gifts with strange bite marks and ripped paper at the corner.

To be continued ...

My little dog - a heartbeat at my feet. ~Edith Wharton

The Park

(To my loyal blog readers: Please pardon all the grief posts. I'm really just wallowing in it right now, but I'm trying to work it out of my system & the blog helps. This may be the last post or there may be 100 more -- I'm not sure yet.)

I made it all the way to the park today!

I've never walked around this neighborhood without Lizzie, so I felt almost naked without her leash and her company. I'm so glad I started walking regularly three or four weeks ago because Liz loved it. She loved going out with me -- out in the back yard, out on a leash, out in the car.

We only got to walk once in the past week because Liz was too sick the other days. And we hadn't quite made it to the park yet, which she would have so enjoyed.

But I made it there today. For her.

A Long Time ...

I got Lizzie within a month of moving to Austin 13+ years ago. And during that entire time, we were probably apart only 2 or 3 weeks because I mostly took her with me everywhere I went.

That is a long time ...

She's only been gone a day, but the hardest and most surreal part of this whole ordeal is the fact that my body and brain haven't caught up to reality yet. I have heard her paws tapping across the kitchen floor as she comes into the den or computer room to check on me dozens of times in the past 24 hours. I look for her sitting in one of "her places" every time I enter a room. When I get up to go to the kitchen or bathroom, I think "Oh, I need to let Liz out for a few minutes." I went to put a garbage bag up on the counter-top last night only to remember I could actually leave it on the floor for the first time in over a decade because Lizzie wouldn't be around to dig through it.

After hours of struggling against myself, I finally surrendered last night before going to bed and allowed myself to call out as I have done thousands of times, "Liz, you wanna go outside." I knew she wouldn't come running this time, but I just needed to expel that from my body.

I guess one day in a couple of weeks or a month, my body and mind won't instinctively expect to see or hear her. The truth will finally sink in. And I don't know if that will be a good day or a bad day.

Lizzie

Rest in peace my old and true friend.

Various Artists: Red Hot + Blue/The Civil War

1990

1. I've Got You Under My Skin - Neneh Cherry
2. In The Still Of The Night - Neville Brothers
3. You Do Something To Me - Sinead O Connor
4. Begin The Beguine - Salif Keita
5. Love For Sale - Fine Young Cannibals
6. Well, Did you Evah! - Debbie Harry/Iggy Pop
7. Miss Otis Regrets/Just One Of Those Things - Kirsty Maccoll/The Pogues
8. Don't Fence Me In - David Byrne
9. It's All Right With Me - Tom Waits
10. Ev'ry Time We Say Goodbye - Annie Lennox
11. Night And Day - U2
12. I Love Paris - Les Negresses Vertes
13. So In Love - K.D. Lang
14. Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? - The Thompson Twins
15. Too Darn Hot - Erasure
16. I Get A Kick Out Of You - The Jungle Brothers
17. Down In The Depths - Lisa Stansfield
18. From This Momment On - Jimmy Somerville
19. After You - Jody Watley
20. Do I Love You? - Aztec Camera

1990

1. Drums Of War - The Old Bethpage Brass Band
2. Oliver Wendell Holmes (Quote) - Paul Roebling
3. Ashokan Farewell - Jay Ungar
4. The Battle Cry Of Freedom - Jacqueline Schwab
5. We Are Climbing Jacob's Ladder - Bernice Johnson Reagon
6. Dixie/Bonnie Blue Flag - The New American Brass Band
7. Cheer Boys Cheer - The New American Brass Band
8. Angel Band - Russ Barenberg, Molly Mason
9. Johnny Has Gone For A Soldier - Jacqueline Schwab, Jesse Carr
10. Lorena - Matt Glaser, Jay Ungar, Molly Mason
11. Parade - The New American Brass Band
12. Hail Columbia - The New American Brass Band
13. Dixie - Bobby Horton
14. Kingdom Coming - Matt Glaser, Jay Ungar, Art Baron
15. Battle Hymn Of The Republic - Matt Glaser, Jacqueline Schwab
16. All Quiet On The Potomac - Jacqueline Schwab
17. Flag Of Columbia - Jacqueline Schwab
18. Weeping Sad And Lonely - Peggy James, Jacqueline Schwab, Jesse Carr
19. Yankee Doodle - The Old Bethpage Brass Band
20. Palmyra Schottische - The New American Brass Band
21. When Johnny Comes Marching Home - The Old Bethpage Brass Band
22. Shenandoah - John Levy, John Colby
23. When Johnny Comes Marching Home - Matt Glaser, Yonatin Malin, Jacqueline Schwab, Molly Mason, Peter Amidon, Jay Ungar
24. Marching Through Georgia - Matt Glaser, Jay Ungar, Molly Mason, Peter Amidon
25. Marching Through Georgia (Lament) - Jacqueline Schwab
26. Battle Cry Of Freedom - Jacqueline Schwab
27. Battle Hymn Of The Republic - The Abyssinian Baptist Church Sanctuary Choir
28. Ashokan Farewell/Sullivan Ballou Letter - Paul Roebling, David McCullough

Two albums, one post, one entry on my Top 20 list. My blog, my rules!

These two albums may seem pretty dissimilar, but they are closely related in significant ways with regards to the impact they had on me. I remember buying them within months of each other -- maybe 3 months at the most -- as a senior in high school.

With Red Hot + Blue, I just heard about a new album with Annie Lennox, U2, kd lang, Debbie Harry, Sinead O'Connor and others. You'd be all over it, right? I certainly was. That's all I knew at the time; turns out, it was a benefit album for AIDS research, as well as a tribute to Cole Porter, and I loved it. There were so many great songs sung by so many great people. Ev'ry Time We Say Goodbye became one of my favorite Annie Lennox songs. Well, Did Ya Evah! and Don't Fence Me In were delightfully fun. Miss Otis Regrets by Kirsty Maccoll was a great discovery, both song and artist.

The Civil War came into our house via the groundbreaking Ken Burns documentary of course. The whole family watched it on PBS, my mother being a major Civil War buff and me being a minor one. All of the music in the series was great, but one particular melody that kept being played over and over was especially compelling. That turned out to be Ashokan Farewell, which remains today one of the most beautiful pieces of music I have ever heard.

I closely identify both albums with my parents. After failing a couple of times to win over friends to my musical passions, I moved on to my parents with Red Hot + Blue. I remember sitting on the floor in the den one evening, having forced both of them to come sit down & relax, and playing song after song. It was fully active on my part, giving whatever spiel I wanted about each song as I furiously fast-forwarded and rewound the tape to get to the proper song. It actually worked this time, and my parents responded positively to many of the songs I played. To this day, my dad still asks me sometimes to play "that good Annie Lennox song."

The Civil War was actually a "family album." I initiated the purchase, but decided that we must have it on CD to get the full impact of the beautiful music. I didn't have a CD player yet, so my parents bought a copy for their stereo system. We all listened to it incessantly for months (years, really). My dad particularly loved to listen to music on Saturday morning, so many mornings I would be upstairs laying in bed and hear the the first soft strains of the violin playing Ashokan Farewell, which is a really wonderful memory.

Red Hot + Blue also gave me the opportunity to do something I love to do -- collect. That album was simply the first in the Red Hot series that would eventually include around a dozen albums benefiting AIDS research. I bought them all over the next decade or so, ending up with about 7 or 8 before the themes went so far out of my outside my tastes that I had to quit. There are some great albums in the Red Hot series though, including Red Hot + Rio, Red Hot + Rhapsody, and Red Hot + Country.

In its own way, The Civil War also led to a collection of sorts. It really opened the doors for not just movie soundtracks, but movie scores. In the past, I thought a song without lyrics wasn't really a song; it was just elevator music. Ashokan Farewell changed all that. I started trying to chase down different scores & instrumental pieces, which culminated in my purchasing of one of those incredibly cheesy made-for-TV double CD sets called Instrumental Magic. You know, one of those things put out by K-Tel or something.

Most important, though, both Red Hot + Blue and The Civil War helped expand my musical boundaries. Up until that point, my musical experience was pretty limited to whatever came on MTV, VH-1, or CMT, or my parents' favorites (country and 60s pop such as The Beach Boys and The Mamas & the Papas). But after experiencing these two albums, I began to realize there was a lot of good stuff out there. I listened to a lot of Civil War-era music and then moved to other 19th century music. I particularly loved music around the time of the California Gold Rush (The Days of '49, Hangtown Girls), which led to other traditional folk music and Appalachian music (Oh Shenandoah is an absolute favorite). Then WWII-era and Big Band music. Through Cole Porter, I discovered the music of George Gershwin and Irving Berlin, sung by the likes of Ella Fitzgerald, Billie Holiday, Judy Garland, and Nina Simone.

And the exploration into yesteryear's music has never stopped. There is so much incredible stuff out there. Just this past year, I purchased two compilations of sea-faring music called Rogue's Gallery: Pirate Ballads, Sea Songs, and Chanteys. If you haven't taken time to check out music from the past hundred, two hundred, three hundred years, you're really missing out.

Complaining About No Shoes Even While Others Have No Feet

Listen peeps, you gotta have good shoes when you walk. I am learning the hard way.

I've been walking in my Converse high-tops, which are not horrible, but not really for long-distance walking. My legs have been slightly sore.

Today, though, at work, I walked twice around the building with a bud in my flip-flops, and now my legs are killing me. I feel like I have shin splints or something. And we were hardly burning up the trail -- it was just a casual, chatty walk.

Whatever ... guess I need to put some running shoes on my To Buy list!

Concrete Blonde: Bloodletting

1990
1. Bloodletting (The Vampire Song)
2. The Sky Is A Poisonous Garden
3. Caroline
4. Darkening Of The Light
5. I Don't Need A Hero
6. Days And Days
7. The Beast
8. Lullabye
9. Joey

10. Tomorrow, Wendy

What can I say about this entry on my Top Albums list? That's the problem I've been facing for the past week or so. What can I say?

You see, this is probably THE album on my list, but there isn't really much of a story to go along with it. No identification with specific times in my life or with specific friends. No big walks down memory lane.

It is simply the force of my feelings for these songs that puts it here.

Certainly there are details I remember. I was 17, driving to school one fall morning (thank heavens I had upgraded from a 1964 Ford Falcon Sprint with only AM radio to a 1986 Mercury Cougar or this revelation might have never happened), and listening to the radio. Squeezed in among the MC Hammer and Wilson Phillips hits, the DJ played this haunting song by a woman with a strong, soulful voice.

I had never heard the song or anything like it; I had never heard the voice. This was back in the day when radio stations would play 3, 4, 5 songs in row and then at the end of the set give you all the song names and artists, so I sat in my car in the high school parking lot waiting to hear who this was.

Joey by Concrete Blonde. I jotted it down on the back of my notebook (which I still have; yes, I am certifiable). That's all I needed to know. I went to the mall that day as soon as school was out & picked up Bloodletting. I had moved by that time toward a darker sound, so I was excited just by the album cover (drops of blood on a white rose) and the song titles (The Sky is a Poisonous Garden, Darkening of the Light). And then I listened to it.

I won't even bore you with the details other than to say I was completely carried away. I don't think I watched TV that night or talked on the phone or anything. I just listened to that tape over & over. After school the next day, I went back to the mall and said I needed every Concrete Blonde album they had (I had seen in the liner notes that the group had other albums). There were two, so I got them both. And I was not let down.

The songs were dark, yes, but also rich and powerful and emotional. They were a bit harder-edged than most stuff I had liked and would like, but they were still very melodic. And that voice -- oh my ...

I have followed that voice everywhere. When Concrete Blonde broke up and Johnette (the person behind that voice) formed a duo, Vowel Movement, I was there. When that broke up and she formed Pretty & Twisted, I was there. When she took over as lead singer for the David Byrne-less Talking Heads (then just known as The Heads), I was there. When she recorded but never released a solo album called Sound of Woman, I was there (bootleg off eBay).

I still consider Concrete Blonde my favorite band of all time. Sometimes people just earn undying loyalty. Johnette got me when I was 17, and she'll have me forever.

The Journey of a Thousand Miles Begins with a Single Step

I have taken that step -- literally.

More than a week ago, I began walking every morning before work. I wanted to at least get a week under my belt before I told anyone because there was every chance I wouldn't even make it more than a couple of days. There is still that chance, of course, but I thought it was time to share.

Why walking? Well, as you know, I have a stationary bike that I have on occasion used. Even when I use it regularly, I'm not so sure it helps very much, but mainly, I'm just not into it anymore. In fact, I hate that dang thing.

Walking is supposedly among the best types of exercise. It also allows me to get out & about a bit (which I need), and I can take my dog with me.

I am starting out very SLOWLY though. You might not realize, but walking is actually very difficult when you carry around as much weight as I do. Literally within 10 or 15 minutes, my back, neck, and shoulders start really aching.

But I have a plan. There is a nice park up the street from my house. One day I will actually make it to that park, and then after that I will actually make it around the park and back home. And then I will make it around the park multiple times. And then I will jog to the park. And then I will jog around the park multiple times. AND THEN, I will jog to work. Yes, I've just gone insane.

Right now, I don't even make it to the park. But that's ok ...

The Cure: Disintegration

1989

1. Plain Song
2. Pictures Of You
3. Close Down
4. Love Song
5. Last Dance
6. Lullaby
7. Fascination Street
8. Prayers For Rain
9. The Same Deep Water As You
10. Disintegration
11. Homesick
12. Untitled

Teen angst -- that age-old rite of passage. I don't care who you are or how charmed your life (mine was pretty charmed in a lot of respects), teenagers just have angst. It is a weird space to be in sometimes. You've got more freedom, but more responsibility. You are either hanging on to childhood or rushing to be an adult, but you are treated like this vague thing in between.

Some kids express angst externally while others keep it inside. No surprise, I was more of the internal-type. And music, like it did and does for millions of others, tapped right into my feelings. And the album I most identify with that swirling mass of emotions is Disintegration by The Cure.

I bought the tape after school one day before a soccer game, so I didn't really have a chance to listen to it until after the game was over. As managers of the soccer team, Will and I were usually the last to leave. I remember unwrapping it and popping it into my tape deck as I watched Will's car turn out of the parking lot. It was about 9:30 at night, the parking lot was deserted and quiet; it was cool & my windows were down. I had every intention of listening to the tape as I drove home, but as soon as the first song started playing I just leaned back in the seat and closed my eyes. I hardly moved a muscle for the next hour as I listened to song after song after song.

I was 16 when it came out. It was so beautifully & exquisitely & grandly gloomy. And not just lyrically, but instrumentally. A lot of the songs almost sounded like they were in slow motion. Listening to it, I sometimes felt like I was floating out in the ocean, the dark ocean, at night, totally alone and far from shore. And honestly, sometimes I felt like that in real life too.

let's move to the beat

like we know that it's over

if you slip going under

slip over my shoulder

so just pull on your face

just pull on your feet

and let's hit opening time

down on fascination street

Michelle Shocked: Short Sharp Shocked

1988

1. When I Grow Up
2. Hello Hopeville
3. Memories Of East Texas
4. (Making The Run To) Gladewater
5. Graffiti Limbo
6. If Love Was A Train
7. Anchorage
8. The L & N Don't Stop Here Anymore
9. V.F.D.
10. Black Widow
11. Fogtown

For those who didn't know me growing up, it might come as a surprise to hear I was really into soccer. And I was really good at it. I played soccer until I was 14, quitting just before I entered high school so I could "focus on studies" (like all good nerds). However, when my friend Will (the same one from Colour By Numbers -- when I make friends, I keep them) asked if I wanted to join him as manager of the high school soccer team, I jumped at the chance.

I really wanted to be involved, but I'll be the first to admit I didn't quite fit in with all the cool soccer guys. For the first couple of months, I was nervous and it was painfully awkward (at least in my mind). But one fall night, the soccer team was traveling to an out-of-town game. We stopped for supper at the food court of a mall & we all went down to the record store after the meal. I bought Short Sharp Shocked by Michelle Shocked. I don't even remember now where I heard about her or why I wanted the tape, but that's what I bought.

As we were heading back home late that night, the guy in the seat behind me tapped my shoulder and asked if he could listen through my headphones for a minute or two to check out what I had bought. I played him my two favorite songs on the album -- Anchorage and When I Grow Up. It was totally not his kind of music or anyone else's for that matter, but he really got a kick out of the fact that I was just sitting there quietly listening to this weird music no one else had even heard of. Of course he insisted we pass the headset around to everyone so they could hear. As everyone on the bus listened to Short Sharp Shocked and commented, I felt like a part of the team for the first time.

That boy who tapped me on the shoulder, Matt, would commit suicide later that year. I was standing in his parent's kitchen after the funeral trying unsuccessfully to contain my emotions (I am not really good at that) when his dad came up to me. He said that Matt always spoke highly of me and was really appreciative of everything I did for the soccer team. And as he said that, I knew that was something Matt really had said & not just something his dad was saying to be kind.

So, although the content of Short Sharp Shocked doesn't remotely address issues like this, that's what I think about every time I listen to the album.

10,000 Maniacs: In My Tribe

1987

1. What's The Matter Here
2. Hey Jack Kerouac
3. Like The Weather
4. Cherry Tree
5. The Painted Desert
6. Don't Talk

7. Peace Train
8. Gun Shy
9. My Sister Rose
10. A Campfire Song
11. City Of Angels
12. Verdi Cries

It was the summer of my 14th year when I saw the video for Like the Weather by 10,000 Maniacs. My friend Lonnie (the same one who wasn't as impressed as he should have been with Tango in the Night) was on vacation in Florida, so I wrote down the name of the song and the artist so that I could tell him about it when he got back to town. I loved it, and I knew that he would too.

He did. And we listened to that tape all summer long. One of the things I loved most about In My Tribe was that Like the Weather, which was great, actually turned out to be one of my least favorite songs on the album because everything else was so so good.

Not long after the album came out, I remember reading in Rolling Stone that it was the top college music album in the country. I felt so grown up somehow. Just the idea of college music stirred all these romanticized images in my mind of all-night political discussions in the dorm, saving the world -- you know, all those college cliches that are mostly untrue. But still, I loved the thought. And the songs on In My Tribe were actually about something. Something important I thought. Child abuse (What's the Matter Here?), illiteracy (Cherry Tree), war (Gun Shy) ...

And as if to underline how grown up I was becoming, my parents agreed to let me go see 10,000 Maniacs in my FIRST EVER out-of-town concert. It was at Mud Island Amphitheater in Memphis. Natalie Merchant sat down at the piano for the final song of the night, the gorgeous Verdi Cries, and just as she began to sing (no lie) a bug flew in her mouth. She stopped playing & started to explain to the audience what happened, but some ass yelled at her to shut up so she got up and left the stage. End of show.

RESET

Well, guess what today is? It is the day I reset that old, unappreciated, untrue total weight loss number from the header of my blog and knock it back to zero. I've got to restart the countdown.

August 1 is as good a day as any to do that. I went to the doctor today and everything is up. My weight is up, my blood pressure it up, my frustration level is up. So I need to do something about it. Before my time is up! (Shit, that was harsh)!

So, goodbye to the 21.2 lbs that I lost. I'm starting fresh. I don't know how often or even where I will weigh myself, but I'll figure something out. And the number of total lbs lost will start rising again.

I was reading a friend's blog today that quoted someone as saying it is a blessing to be able to prove to yourself how strong you are. Is it that simple? Am I strong enough to do this or not? If so, prove it.

Fleetwood Mac: Tango in the Night

1987

1. Big Love
2. Seven Wonders
3. Everywhere
4. Caroline
5. Tango In The Night
6. Mystified
7. Little Lies
8. Family Man
9. Welcome To The Room...Sara
10. Isn't It Midnight
11. When I See You Again
12. You And I, Part II

Listen to the wind on the water

Listen to the waves upon the shore

Try to sleep, sleep won't come

Just as I begin to fade

Then I remember

When the moon was full and bright

I would take you in the darkness

And do the tango in the night

Tango...

Tango in the Night was unlike anything I had ever listened to before. The lyrics seemed so complex, even cryptic at times & it was so much darker than other albums I loved (say what you will about Culture Club and The Judds, but dark they are not). Years later I would also come to recognize some of the more sexual references in the music, but at 14, that was a bit over my head. I was completely captivated by the album though & it would prove to be significant in a variety of ways.

First, it is one of three entries on my list from 1987. Looking back, I can now see this as a pivotal year in my "musical development" & probably the year I went from loving music to LOVING music.

In addition, it helped cement a pattern (that started with Rockin' With The Rhythm) in which I discovered new music not from the radio, but from television. Although my family always enjoyed music, we were never a big radio family. We always listened to albums or tapes (at home & in the car) or watched music television. Even today, I am more often than not exposed to new music via TV or the Internet. Anyway, in this case, I saw the video for Seven Wonders on VH-1 and just loved it. I already liked Stevie Nicks (having bought The Wild Heart years earlier), but oddly, I'm not even sure I really knew Fleetwood Mac at that time. Regardless, I had to have it.

Tango in the Night also represents the first time I was compelled to go digging in an artists' back catalog for more more more. I was completely unsuccessful at first because I ended up buying Mystery to Me from the early 70s, which was a completely different sounding Fleetwood Mac (although it did include one song I liked, Hypnotized). Undeterred, I tried again, and holy hell, I hit the jackpot -- Rumours. I mean, seriously, Gold Dust Woman, The Chain, Go Your Own Way, You Make Loving Fun, Dreams, Songbird. Can it get better than that? I was so close to putting Rumours on this influential albums list, but it was Tango that led me to Rumours and ultimately had the bigger impact.

Lastly, I was inspired by Tango to share my passion with others. I remember my friend Lonnie was spending the night & I basically wanted to force feed him the entire album, making him listen to each song & then discuss it. He wasn't really into that, but I did manage to get him to listen to small clips of each song. My parents had already gone to bed, so we couldn't listen out loud. So I plugged in my earphones and gave him the left one and I kept the right one as we listened together on my bedroom floor to a minute or two of each song. And in a scene that would repeat itself hundreds of times over the following 20 years, I was hurt when he didn't love it as much as I did. I've tried to work on that over the years, but when I am really moved by something, I just want my friends to be moved as well. Not as any kind of credit to me, but because I want them to feel that passion and joy.

The Judds: Rockin' With The Rhythm

1985

1. Have Mercy
2. Grandpa (Tell Me 'Bout The Good Old Days)
3. Working In The Coal Mine
4. I f I Were You
5. Rockin' With The Rhythm Of The Rain
6. Tears For You
7. Cry Myself To Sleep
8. River Roll On
9. I Wish She Wouldn't Treat You That Way

10. Dream Chaser

Growing up in Mississippi, I was surrounded by country music from birth -- Alabama, Willie Nelson, Tammy Wynette (a cousin of mine actually, very true), Oak Ridge Boys, Waylon Jennings.

Long before we had MTV in my house (and my hometown), we had CMT where I watched videos from such unforgettable country luminaries as Janie Frickie (who?), Sylvia (haven't heard of her either?), and country music's version of Weird Al whose name I shockingly cannot remember, but he sang an entire song about the woman who got away using fish puns (I kid you not). From memory, Well I lobster and never flounder. He wrapped his line around her and they drove off in his carp.

I always considered the genre a bit lame (can you blame me?) and certainly more of my parents' style than my own. However, one day when watching CMT I heard the most beautiful voice from one of the sisters (or so I thought) in a duo called The Judds. I just felt something.

As soon as I could, I bought the first tape I could find by them: Rockin' With The Rhythm. For weeks, I hardly made it past the first song, Have Mercy, because I loved it so much. It was such a fun song to sing that I went around the house singing it non-stop. So I'm 12, dancing through the house singing a "man done me wrong" song by The Judds, and people were surprised that I'm gay? Yeah, right. But that's a different topic ...

Anyway, I finally did get past the first song, and the rest of the album was just as good. The up-tempo songs were fun. The ballads were beautiful. I started listening to the tape (primarily side 2) every night as I got in bed. It lulled me to sleep many, many nights. It also inspired me, especially the last song, Dream Chaser. I would lay there in the dark listening to those lyrics & wonder what I would do in life, where I would go, how successful I would be. But I hoped, like the song said, that I could always go back home.

I'm gonna pack my bags and drive all night

I'll be in the mountains by morning light

Drive the road I traveled years ago

As a young girl leaving home

With dreams as big as the trees were tall

I knew I'd have nothing or I'd have it all

And you all know what happens when the bright lights call

You're either gonna make or you're gonna fall

Make it or you're gonna fall

I'm a dream chaser, a star gazer that's what I am

But I've always known I'd come back home when I found my rainbows end

Rainmakers and heartbreakers could never change my plans

Dream chaser, that's what I am

I'm goin' home where the stars shine bright in a mountain sky

That path above I've followed all of my life

It's guiding me back to where my dreams began

Then I'll be gone again

I'll be gone again

Dream chaser, that's what I am

Culture Club: Colour By Numbers

1983
1. Karma Chameleon
2. It's A Miracle
3. Black Money
4. Changing Every Day
5. That's The Way (I'm Only Trying To Help You)
6. Church Of The Poison Mind
7. Miss Me Blind
8. Mister Man
9. Stormkeeper
10. Victims

Culture Club's Colour By Numbers is the first album I can remember purchasing ... ever. I had a small batch of 45s prior to that, but never a full album until the year I was 10. I saved up my allowance, badgered my mom into taking me to Record Bar in the mall, and bought this album.

Karma Chameleon was of course the big hit from this album & the reason I bought it, but as soon as I got it home, I feel in love with it all. There were other hits as well (Miss Me Blind, It's a Miracle, Church of the Poison Mind), but the non-singles were just a strong & my favorite track ended up being Black Money.

I remember every Sunday afternoon after church, my parents would take a nap, my brother would go out to play with friends, and I would put Colour By Numbers on the stereo & listen start to finish as I jumped on a small exercise trampoline. I did that every single Sunday for months.

I also never think of this album without thinking of my friend Will who bought me a Colour By Numbers poster because he knew I was so obsessed with the album. I remember his telling me how painfully embarrassed he was to buy it, but he knew I would love it. That was actually really touching & 25 years later, I still remember that he did that for me.

A List of My Own

Anyone who knows me knows I love a good list. I love rankings, countdowns, comparisons, etc. The best, the leading, the top, the favorite, the largest ... Anything that puts things in some kind of order or grouping based on specific qualities gets my juices flowing.

I keep seeing all these lists of best albums of all-time & they are so generic and expected (although I'm not saying that doesn't mean they aren't valid). So I'm creating one of my own. Would I call my list "the best" -- I don't know, I don't think so. These are really the albums that just for various reason at various times had the most impact on me. When I think back through my music-loving years, these albums just stand out.

Obviously, my list is unlike any of those other lists -- no Beatles, Rolling Stones, Hendrix, Dylan, Beach Boys. No Michael Jackson, no Bruce Springsteen, no Elton John.

It does turn out, probably not unexpectedly, to only include albums released during my lifetime (although that wasn't a requirement). The only real requirement is that I must truly love the entire album (it can't just have a handful of great songs) & it can't be a greatest hits collection.

My intention was to include 10 albums, but that literally proved impossible, so it stands at 20. I'm going to create a separate post for each one & they aren't really ranked 20-1, but listed chronologically.

This has actually been a really interesting experiment as I've never thought through it in this detail before. It re-established some things I already knew (I really love female singers) & opened my eyes to some new things (1987 & 1990 were pivotal years for me musically).

Fun (for me at least) ...

Still Here

Hello everyone,

I'm still here & still trying to eat better, do better, live better. At the moment, I have suspended my participation in Dishalicious, Diet Gourmet, and Greenling because it is all just too expensive. It is just a temporary suspension, three or four months hopefully, and then I'll make my grand return.

That doesn't mean I've suspended anything else -- I'm still going to try to buy & eat healthy (at least semi-healthy) foods. And I'm planning to restart my weight loss countdown (which was the actual purpose of this blog) in August. I have a doctor's appointment/weigh-in on August 1, so I'll have a fresh start.

And my wonderful food services will never be far from my mind. In fact, I just found a cool new Greenling-related blog from a woman who posts about what she gets each week in the Greenling local box (fresh produce) and what she does with it all. Sadly, I'll probably never get to the point where I can order the local box, but her site is interesting and inspiring.

Mikey Likes Everything, But Jason Doesn't

There isn't a whole lot to report these days about my diet, menu, food plan (as you can tell from the derth of posts), but I am making some very gradual progress.

I pretty much eat spinach and mixed lettuce every week now. I regularly try others veggies that I get through my Dishalicious meals, some (edamame) I like better than others (carrot & orange salad).

Mainly, though, I am trying to make a balanced, healthy menu fun, so I am trying some new non-diet things as well just to spice up my life. I've been eating goose eggs instead of chicken eggs for three or four weeks now. I don't taste a whole lot of difference; I'd probably just say goose eggs are eggier than chicken eggs. They just taste & smell more eggy. I love to get them, though, as they are huge (I'd say three times the size of a chicken egg).

Here are two pictures of my latest goose egg. The first is in comparison to a medium sized onion. It would be easier to tell its size if I had a regular egg to compare it to, but the onion will have to do. The second picture is the plate of scrambled eggs that comes from just one goose egg.





I've also been trying a few other things from local farmers, such as strawberry cheese spread (from Full Quiver Farms in Kemp, TX), beef jerkey (from Indian Hills Farm), fresh tortillas (from Margarita's) and plums.

I really am trying to make it fun because that's the best way for me to stick with something.

Garden Growth

Here it is, the second day of Summer, and I can already pretty much conclude that my garden is yet again a bust. I'm not sure what's up. Is it me? The soil in my yard? The unrelenting Texas weather where it either stifling hot and dry as a bone (as in 2006 and 2008) or it is soaking wet (as in 2007)?

I think it is all of the above. I'll never quit trying because I love it, but it does get disappointing. I am finally getting some edible produce, but compared to where I should be, it is pretty pitiful. And the plants themselves look pretty beat down, so I doubt they'll last much longer without a change in weather.

Regardless, for your viewing pleasure, here's an update focusing on the few things that are producing.

Garden Growth

Although it sure would be nice to get a little rain, my garden, for the most part, is looking good. I've been watering every other day, and I'm beginning to get little tomatoes, peppers, eggplant, and watermelon.


It is really illuminating to look back at the previous pictures I've posted here and see just how much the garden has grown.

100th Post (or, All or Nothing)

Yes, this is my 100th post since I started Something to Lose nearly a year ago. And on this momentus occasion, I'm returning to a theme I discussed in my entry from a couple of weeks ago -- the all-or-nothing approach I have toward many things in life, but most particularly diet and exercise and health.

I've struggled with that attitude over the past week. As I mentioned previously, I went with the "all" approach and scheduled every single meal I was going to have over the past week. I placed three separate orders (with Diet Gourmet, Dishalicious, and Greenling) & planned a trip to the grocery store so every meal last week would be ready and waiting with a minimun of effort on my part.

As usual, life got in the way. My Greenling delivery on Friday was missing some of the items I had ordered (nothing untoward going on; they simply didn't have some of the items and credited my account). I had planned my grocery store trip for Monday, but ended up having some kind of stomach bug and stayed in bed almost all day. Then because of Memorial Day, my Diet Gourmet ordered was delivered Tuesday afternoon instead of Monday afternoon.

So ... my beautiful schedule was thrown all out of whack. Some meals I didn't have at all, other meals were missing certain parts, some meals were a day or two later than I had scheduled.

I tried my best to adapt and not go with the "nothing" approach of "Screw this, I'm ordering a pizza!" I would put my success rate at about 75%. I still ate most meals in a complete & healthy way with the food I did have. On two occasions I just skipped a meal (not the best thing to do I know) & and on two occasions I did eat something unhealthy instead. So that's 4 out of 21, which is actually about an 81% success rate. I'm moderately happy with that.

The same issues are already popping up for this week as Dishalicious has decided to take the week off from delivery, but again, I'm going to try to adapt. I do need to learn how to do that!

So there you have it -- I'll report more on how this is working as the weeks progress. I do think Dishalicious is going to be a help to me because it is pretty good food that is well-balanced & healthy, but not really diet food. That makes it much easier for me.

Garden Growth

Well, it has been two weeks since my last garden update, and much has changed. Everything has gotten bigger (surprise, surprise).

My tomatoes are starting to bloom just a bit and they've been caged. The watermelon and summer squash vines are beginning to run. The peppers are getting taller. And the eggplant is exploding in size.

Without further ado ...

About that time again ...

I don't know if I'd use the term goofing off, but I do think I have been pointedly unfocused (non-focused) on healthy eating for the past many months. I've made small strides I guess as I do regularly receive organic food from my delivery service and I eat slightly more fruits/vegetables than I did six months or a year ago.

However, I have not at all concentrated on healthy eating. I've had more than my share of crap so far in 2008. It is about time to start up again with deliberately trying to eat healthy.

What should I try? WW worked for awhile, but then I quit. Diet Gourmet worked for awhile, but then I quit. Eating healthy on my own and exercising every day worked for awhile, but then I quit. Hmmm ... I am sensing a pattern.

I am wondering if maybe my all-or-nothing approach is part of the problem. When I tried Diet Gourmet, I had to order every single meal from them, even though I hated a lot of it. When I tried eating on my own, I had to prepare every single meal myself, which was a huge burden and got very old very quickly. When I exercised every day, I had to exercise every single day (sometimes twice a day as my friend Allison can attest to), which really wore me down. When I was on WW, I didn't eat a single sweet, not one single Life Saver or jelly bean or drop of anything.

I've mentioned before that I have some OCD-like tendencies (some people believe me; others don't), but I really think that's what is behind my all-or-nothing attitude. Maybe I can give that a rest. It is a struggle to do, but it would be helpful.

So I'm thinking about combining solutions. There's nothing that says I can't order my breakfasts from Diet Gourmet (the one meal I really enjoyed from them), then order some dinners from this new delivery place my friend D told me about, then prepare some of my own lunches and dinners. There's nothing that says I can't exercise every other day. There's nothing that says I can't eat a piece of candy now and again and include that in my WW points. That's actually the point of points -- to be able to have something you really want as long as you account for it.

There's nothing to say I can't do any of that, right? Right? The only thing that says I can't is my own attitude, which I can overcome.

So maybe I'll give this a try -- this hodge-podge of healthy eating.

Wish me luck (for the zillionth time).

Movie

Young at Heart - Small little documentary about a group of senior citizens who tour around the country and world singing rock songs. So moving and beautiful, sad and uplifting. You'll never hear some of those songs the same way again (and that's good).

How Does My Garden Grow?

Remeber this blog was supposed to be about weight loss and health, but random other topics in between? Well, the random, in-between stuff has taken over as you can see, but I haven't forgotten about the weight loss/health issues. I'll be posting more about that in the coming weeks.

For now, though, it is full speed ahead with the other stuff.

I thought I might track the progress of my little garden here on the ol' blog for anyone who is interested (myself mainly). Two weeks ago, I planted 15 tomato plants, two eggplants, six pepper plants, some herbs, and some watermelon. Everything is looking pretty good, and the rain last night was invaluable.

The tomatoes were pretty puny when planted, but at least 12 of the 15 will make it, and more likely, 14 of the 15.





And here are the peps, herbs, and eggplant.